The Longer The Blade?
by Novelist Pup
Summary: [For Virulent Enmity] Seifer brags, Squall gags, and Zell lags. Penis jokes abound! [SeiferxSquall, not for the immature who can't handle the 'p' word]


**The Longer The Blade?**

**For Virulent Enmity**, because I promised. And hey, I'm sorry if this sucks, since it _is_ the first time I've _ever_ written anything for Final Fantasy VIII.

I hope it's liked.

**Disclaimer: Nope.**

* * *

"Yeah, Leonhart can _never_ beat me."

"LAST SPAR?"

"Was a draw. You see, he can _almost_ hit my level, but can never fully reach it!"

Zell felt like slamming his head on the table, repeatedly. Instead, he settled for chomping at his hotdog, hoping his loud chewing will overcome the voices from the table next to them. This didn't help, but it got him a whack and disapproving look for being so 'disgusting'.

"Why can't he ever beat ya? He _is_ pretty skilled at the gunblade, ya know." Raijin wondered aloud. Seifer scoffed.

"Well, if you really think about it, I've got a more capable blade than Leonhart. Longer and all," he replied.

Zell almost choked and coughed repeatedly as Quistis thumped his back a little harder than she should have. Squall, on the other hand, looked completely uninterested.

"HYPERION." Fuujin deadpanned.

"Yep, it's much longer and way more capable Leonhart's blade can ever be." Seifer said. Raijin looked skeptical.

"Well, not t' really disagree with you, ya know, but I always thought that it didn't matter towards the size of the blade, but how you swung it," he responded. Seifer smirked and looked at Leonhart.

"And he doesn't swing very well, now does he?" Zell stood up and swung around, pointing an almost quivering finger at Seifer.

"Squall's blade is perfectly proportionate and he swings it better than you ever can!" An awkward silence followed and Zell coughed nervously before scratching the back of his head and laughing.

"Oh, ha ha, uh… Dude, I could've sworn there were some hotdogs left in the cafeteria line!" And he wandered off towards said line. Squall looked at Seifer with a semblance of boredom.

"Is there a purpose for you bringing up the size of my gunblade?" he asked with a cocked eyebrow. Seifer smirked even more.

"Hey, a small blade can also say something about other things!" Quistis listened much more carefully now. Squall looked at his blond rival with a bit more interest.

"Oh really? Then a large blade _must_ mean that it describes other things as well?" he questioned. Seifer slouched on his chair and winked.

"Damn straight."

"Except that a blade's length can also mean that you may desire to compensate for other things as well," Squall said suddenly. Seifer's smirk fell.

"What?" Squall rolled his eyes barely.

"If I have such a _small_ blade, then I have much less to compensate for. _You_, on the other hand, have a much larger and capable blade than I do, so maybe you use that blade to make up for _other_ things." Seifer gaped for a moment before sputtering indignantly.

"Did…did you just say I've got a small dick?"

"No, I was implying that maybe you feel inferior to mine."

Zell had just gotten back to the table, with a few hotdogs, and dropped his tray in surprise when he heard the last few statements from Seifer and Squall. He felt his eyes roll to the back of his head slightly and was caught by the chair that Quistis kicked behind him. Unfortunately, his head slammed into the back of the chair, so he still fell out. Seifer, in the meantime, was trying to catch his breath, or his tongue, whichever came first.

"Uh, uh, um…"

"Your grammar is amazing."

"What the fuck do you want me to say? You've just made a _penis joke_," he snapped. Squall's eyes widened.

"I almost thought you knew me well enough to know that _I don't joke_, honestly," Seifer twitched before taking on a determined look.

"Fuck this, I'll show _you_ how much I need to make up for!" he growled, going up to the brunette and pulling him up by his shoulder. Squall made a small smirk.

"Then I know this can only take a moment." Seifer made a snarling sound and pulled him towards the bathrooms. Quistis's face was red because of all of the laughter she was holding in. Raijin looked honestly confused.

"I thought we were just talking about gunblades, ya know? When did Seifer's penis get added to the mix?" he asked Fuujin. The white-haired girl kicked him and scoffed.

"OBVIOUS." Fuujin retorted. "IDIOT."

"How was _I_ supposed to know that?" Raijin whined. Fuujin kicked him again.

"INNUENDO. STUPID," she said. Raijin scowled and waited. Zell's nose began to bleed, which was odd because he was unconscious. After fifteen minutes of waiting, the two rivals returned, Seifer was smirking and Squall looking decidedly bored.

"Tell them, Leonhart." Seifer commanded. Squall gave an overly exaggerated eye roll.

"Almasy's blade is perfectly proportionate and most likely wishes it could be nearly as big as his penis." Raijin looked as though someone forced him to eat two lemons raw, and Fuujin blinked. The blond kept smirking, and tapped his shoulder.

"Keep talking, that isn't all." Squall began to rub his temples with his forefinger and thumb.

"And I wish that Revolver was _nearly_ that long, despite how I best him in almost every spar." Seifer's smirk twitched, but prodded Squall once more.

"_And…_?" he started. The edge of Squall's lips twitched.

"And I'm not even telling the truth, because Almasy is definitely compensating for something." Raijin's eyes crossed as he _attempted_ to process this entire conversation, and Fuujin scowled.

"NOT LYING," she snapped. "LEONHART." Squall shrugged.

"Whatever." And walked away. Seifer stood there, and Quistis thumped his back in the same manner she had done Zell.

"_Breathe_, Seifer, its _okay_. No need to spaz about it, all right?" she reassured as Seifer began to cough in pain. Zell's eyes opened blearily and he looked around in confusion.

"What happened?" he asked. Seifer glared at the direction Squall wandered off to, and snarled.

"His ass is _MINE_." The blond growled and stomped out of the cafeteria. The poor tattooed blond didn't know whether to knock himself out or ask someone what was going on.

He chose to knock himself out, by the way.

**END**

* * *

Fuck, I tried.

I _know_ it sucks, and I'll do you all a favor and stay the fuck out of your fandom, 'kay?


End file.
